I’m on my own, I’ve got a long long way to go. Hope I make it on my own …

Writing about my life is something I’ve been doing for over ten years.

It’s my therapy.

Loads of lovely stuff happened on day 11, and I’m sure Donna will fill you in.

But I ended the day with a little reflection.

I’ve had a thoroughly awful year and this holiday is my way of giving myself permission to, if not put the grieving to one side, distract myself so that I’m not drowning in grief.

That’s so easy to do, especially when you’re around people who are familiar with your pain. You find yourself sinking sometimes; and that’s where I was when we booked this trip. Just about treading water and stopping myself from being sucked into that horrible whirlpool of depression.

Thailand has thrown me a life jacket, a pair of buoyancy wings, and a rubber ring.  I’m bobbing around feeling like I have a chance of making it to shore some day. I’ve been laughing a lot, then feeling guilty for laughing a lot, then telling myself that I’m allowed to laugh. 

And I’m remembering that grief isn’t a prescriptive state. It ebbs and flows and catches you unawares and drags you under.  I’m making the most of the calmness that this country brings, fully aware that it won’t last forever.

But I’m grateful for now.  And I take a few minutes every day to talk about Michael and celebrate the wonderful person that he was by keeping his memory alive in my thoughts. 

It still hurts but I’m allowing myself to heal a little each day, and hope that everyone else affected by his, or other loved ones’ passings, will allow themselves to do the same.  It’s hard, but accepting that life goes on, and that we can choose to heal ourselves a little,  is an important step in this process.